My way

I just found out today that except for me, all the Asians hired for the London office of my firm intend to return to Asian in a few years.

I'm almost beginning to wonder what is wrong with me. Why do all the other Asians want to go back? Is there something inherently unAsian/disloyal/unfilial/unnatural about me? Why is it that I lack that calling of my roots to return to the motherland?

The only other fellow countryman of mine in my class of analysts asked me today when I was next planning to return home. I was caught.

I hate it when people ask me when I intend to visit my homeland again, or when I intend to return to Asia. I feel trapped by the question. It seems like I ought to give the standard reply: "I'll visit at the end of the year." or "Within the next 5 years."

People rarely expect me to looked alarmed, and awkwardly hem and haw: "Erm... not before next next year?? *I get a blank stare*... Well.. at least not before summer you know. Difficult to take leave. That makes it next next year." or "Erm... definitely not within the next 10 years. But probably not for the rest of my life. *I get a blank stare* Erm... except maybe to retire you know..?"

Then follows the inevitable "Why?"

I often find it difficult to justify my desire to stay out of Asia, or at least out of the two countries that I refer to as 'home'.

The reason I often end up giving is that I've spent almost 20 years of my life in Asia, it's kind of boring by now, so I want to spend many many years of my life seeing the rest of the world - the world is so big, there's so much more to explore. And that's why I don't want to go back any. time. soon.

I'm not good at giving explanations. I am not good at putting across my feelings into words. My feelings are all a jumble. All I know is what I feel. If you probe, I will only be able to give you an approximate answer. If you probe further, and I peel off another layer ("My mind is an onion.") and give you a reason closer to the core. So if you ask me the same question five times, I may very well give you five different answers. Not because I am lying, or I am twisting my words. But because I myself am finding out a little bit more of the reason each time you ask me the question, and I am forced to analyse my feelings more deeply.

All I know, is that I want to roam further afield from home for a long while yet. I am not completely against all of Asia though. I would very much like to spend some time in China, for example.

One reason I can perhaps give, is that, away from Asia, I am closer to my dreams. I feel that the things I want to do, places I want to go, are nearer at hand. Given my experience growing up there, I am afraid that if I return to the two countries that have shaped me, my dreams will be stifled, like a stillborn child.

Abroad, there is more scope to choose what you want to do, who you want to be in life. I like that freedom, that I feel is lacking back home.

It is the same reason why people from hick towns migrate to cities. Why people from the heart of middle-America move to New York City, Los Angeles. Why people from Mexico cross the American border. The metropolises are like huge airport terminals, or ports. They are the Gateway to Dreams.

People with dreams flock to these huge cities, clutching their little tickets printed with their destinations, and look for the ship to board, that will bring them to their promised land. The cities are like living organisms that seeth with masses of little people, and heave under the burden of their dreams.

Some people board their ship of dreams. Others get on the wrong ship, then maybe try, successfully or not, to turn back. Others change their destination. Some are pushed, shoved, and are trampled underfoot by the continuing waves of humanity, all pushing forward.

Okay.. so this piece started with me asking why I am different from the other Asians I know in respect to returning home, and ended with a completely tangential discourse on migration and/or dreams. Hmmmm...

Unusually enough, for a headstrong girl like me, I am feeling guilt, almost shame, at being different from the rest. I feel like there is an invisible being reproaching me. But maybe really, I am not so different. I just haven't found/met someone like me, who will understand, whose hand I can grab and can squeal with joy: "Yes, me too! Exactly!"

But my guilt, and the fact that most people I know probably think I'm illogical, insane, or just really full of shit (Why is she being so unreasonable in refusing to go back anyway??), aren't going to change anything. I am still going to follow the calling of my heart. And so for now, I am staying out of my two home countries.